Saying Goodbye...

Hey Alex. I know we talked about some of these things and reflected on our friendship this past year but I’m probably writing this more for myself to gain some closure and as a way to process my grief.

We’ve known each other a long time and I’m doing my best to recall the details but you were always so much better at recalling the details than I, so apologies if I mis-speak but you’re not here to correct me, so it’s really your fault.  Starting from 3 years old at Stratford preschool and stayed in school together all the way through high school, you and Biren I would consider my oldest friends. Our friendship really bonded in the middle of elementary school, 3rd grade I think. Really need your memory bud. Remember how we used to just sit on the phone and watch TV together? We didn’t even talk but we would just be watching the same show together. Laughing at the same jokes and just making sure to share an experience together. Our crew of Biren, Anil, Jamil, you and I. Along with others Barrie, Geoff, Faheem etc. I loved our group and wanted to do everything together and we pretty much did. We collected cards and comics together. We gambled on baseball, basketball, hockey games. I remember we had a book to keep track of everyone’s bets and would sit in the locker room and tally who owed whom money. I told your parents that we used to gamble in elementary school btw. Hope you don’t mind. Those were really fond memories.

You challenged me though. You were always inviting other people into our friend circle and I didn’t like it. I wanted to keep this tight friendship within this group, but you kept inviting others in. Some friends like Anil and Faheem I pushed away (not sure even why anymore and sorry guys for that), but your friendship with them and inclusion of them forced me to change. You’re the one that brought in the new students and invited them into our group, Andy, Hunter, Erik are some examples. You changed me man. I wanted to keep things close and tight but you challenged me to be open to more people, accept more people, take “risks” with their friendship, and for that I’m forever grateful. You challenged me to change and because of your persistence, I did. Thank you brother.

Sadly in college and in my twenties I pulled away from many people that were meaningful in my life. My parents, sister, other family, and important friends like you. For that I’ll forever regret how I treated you all. For over 10 years, I was not mindful of these relationships and can understand any disappointment people have in me.

After that period of my life in my 30’s when I started to reconnect with family and then friends, I knew one person wouldn’t, couldn’t ever reject me, that was you Alex. You at the core of your being, you could never write off a friend. I knew that in spite of my neglect when/if I needed you, you would show up. That’s the kind of friend you have always been. I’m thankful for Biren and Anil as we got a chance to share some time together in the Bay Area and now Jamil and others. Whenever I came back to Va Beach and hit you up, you always made time. You gave me your trust and friendship again even though I didn’t deserve it. Your grace extended to me meant so much.

So if you’re wondering, that’s why I tried my hardest to be present for you this past year. You are a role model of never giving up on someone. You would drop anything when a friend was in need, so I wanted to do what I thought you would do for me, be present as time was nearing the end. I’m not one for fancy gifts or fanciful words. Because of the pain you were in I think half the time we spent together this past year was watching TV together, just like in elementary school but at least not over the phone anymore.  But really we got to watch Gabriel’s baseball game together, watch Hazel dance and dance during dinner time when she should have been eating, watch you reprimand the kids for slamming doors and leaving stuff around the house, your love expressed for them in helping them develop healthy habits in life. I’m just glad I got to walk together with you a few days, to just be present.

In your final days you didn’t change one bit. Even when your body was failing you, you used the little energy you had to tell Gabriel to not slam the door, you put away your laundry with the hyper-organized method only you can maintain, but more importantly you were still always thinking and caring for everyone around you. You took the time to introduce me to Tony, Jesse, Josh knowing that I had no idea who they were but would probably see them over the next few days. You made it a point to connect and introduce us in your weakened state. Man, all the way to the very end you’re challenging me.

So I guess it’s time to say goodbye. I know I didn’t when I left your bedside yesterday. I knew less a miracle I wouldn’t see you again based on your condition and I was leaving for a 15 hour flight, but even then I still couldn’t say goodbye. I didn’t want to treat you like you had already passed or maybe I just didn’t have the courage to say it. But I guess I can’t hold out any longer. Goodbye old friend. You’ve challenged me for over 30 years to be more open with my friendships. You’ve shown me grace in accepting me even when I didn’t deserve it. You didn’t waste your time on earth. You are leaving behind an amazing wife and wonderful children. I’ll continue to honor you by living out the life lessons you taught me. I’ll continue to live out our friendship by actively caring for your parents, sister, Emily, Gabriel, and Hazel. I’ll see you in heaven and we can catch up then. Love you Alex.

ps. sorry about the photos. You're the guy I would ask for photos of us, lol. But that's all I could find on short notice.


I Want that Joy Joy Joy Joy Down In My Heart

Once upon a time I worked hard. Like really hard. Like harder than the heralded excellent silicon valley founders and doing some unimaginable things. It wasn't just due to the velocity or volume of work, but the type of work I used to do.

Back in Pittsburgh I had a few crazy full-time jobs with a ton of responsibility, pressure, and absurd timelines. I managed multiple teams and over 100 people. They were crazy jobs but thankfully I was gifted with some amazing employees and teammates. We pulled off some amazing projects that I'll share with anyone interested over a dram of whisky. But that's not what made it amazing. That's just a typical talented overachieving worker. Everyday after work I went to the local college campus (University of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon University) and mentored dozens of students in matters of faith, life, family, finances, etc. Dealing with and helping students overcome mental health, abuse, insecurity, shame issues and more. Not only was it mentally draining, but also my heart would go out to each student and genuinely grieve with each challenge in their life. I had this crazy lifestyle, yet could do it all filled with joy and hope.

That was a crazy time.

Somewhere along the path I've lost that... edge? diligence? passion? I don't even know what to call it.

Today in my work some people encourage me saying I'm doing so much, or doing a good thing, or making a difference. I wish I could tell them how much I disagreed with them. 

I have tasted what it's like to live with faith, hope, joy; all while dealing with amazing work challenges and simultaneously walking with others to see their lives transform and in parallel watching my life change and become more whole. Filled.

That is not my life today.

Today I struggle with worry, depression, getting overwhelmed, staying motivated. I get infuriated with myself, then down on myself. In it I know this is not how I'm supposed to live.

Back in college as a freshmen I was a cocky, lazy student. My freshmen spring semester there was two weeks where I never saw sunlight. It's true Pittsburgh is rainy and cloudy, but that's not what I mean. I didn't see the sun because I was nocturnal and never went to class. My schedule revolved around when was optimal to play basketball and hangout with my friends. This is how I ordered my life: basketball, hanging out, eating, sleeping, and lastly academics. I was a B- / C student my freshmen and sophomore year.

My junior and senior year I got almost all A's. It had nothing to do with my effort and 100% to do my joy in life rooted in my faith. I became overwhelmed with a sense that God loved me and I was simply living under that care, compassion, and grace. Life was simple. I felt free and everything I applied myself to I went over-and-above and really enjoyed why I was doing it. I just had one person to worry about and it wasn't me. I just focused on God and tried to discern his purpose and if I felt like I had a sense of it, then I would go after that hard, with all my will.

Today I am missing that clarity. To be honest I'm worried about many things. Money, success, people around me, I'm too distracted by even my own "emotional state". Simply put, I think too much about myself. I judge what's going on measured by the yardstick of my own design and that is a sucky way to live. That yardstick changes. The goals change, the milestones change, and I oscillate from not being good enough to thinking "I'm the man". 

Whatcha gonna do about it?

My goal is to regain the simplicity of being full of HOPE and JOY and then in that state I'll regain that unimaginable productivity of work and transformation (those around me and personally). To not focus and get caught up in myself, but to live with a simple pure understanding of who I am and how I fit into this world. For me that comes through faith.

I welcome you to hold me accountable to this. If you do see me, I give you the freedom, rather I exhort you to please ask me how I'm doing in regaining simplicity. That would be a tremendous act of care towards me to help me grow.

Thanks for reading. I wanted to thank all those that encouraged me to keep blogging when I did the 7 day challenge last year. It is honestly those friends and my own need to go deeper that has drawn me back to write. Thank you guys.

Believing in Jesus is Irrational

I am a Christian. I don't hate gays, I don't watch Fox News, I don't stand on the street corner and tell people they are going to hell, I don't vote Republican (nor Democrat either), I don't have a gun (yet), I don't hate you for being pro-choice, I don't expect you to believe what I believe, but I do believe that I need a savior and that Savior is Jesus Christ and I don't blame you for thinking I'm foolish for believe so.

I can recall to when I was young, like elementary school, I had a sense of conviction that there are things that are right and things that are wrong. But where does this come from? If there is no higher being holding us accountable to our actions then we should use all our energies to get the greatest advantage over others without getting caught. But there was a strong sense of justice instilled in my being that I couldn't shake and I felt that had to come from something greater than myself.

In middle and high school I was a troublemaker. I was the black sheep of my group of friends. I stole, cursed like a sailor, judged and hurt others, I was not a good guy to be around. There was a feeling of wanting to do right but not being able to do it. I couldn't stop myself from doing these bad things and that's where faith found me. The idea that God knew I was this way and wanted to help me but knew I couldn't do it on my own was very fitting for how I felt about myself. I had about a week of wrestling in my bed at night in prayer, "God are you there? Give me a sign. Help me believe. I can't change! Will you really accept me like this? You must be perfect." After that wrestling in prayer I had a sense that God was real and I chose to believe in God & Jesus and accept that he wanted to help me in my uncontrollable bad ways.

Over the course of the next 10 years my life was heavily influenced by this belief in God. I had times where I prayed and felt God was really with me in hard times and actually answered my prayers. I know absurd right? But it was true to me. This is part of my experience I don't expect anyone to understand and if you don't I have no issue with you thinking me for being foolish. I get it. But for me, God was present, heard me, and was with me. Were there times I thought I was hearing from God and it was just the breeze blowing? Most definitely, but I don't know when those times were. But were there times God did some unbelievable things, yes for sure!

I've made alot of mistakes in my life and hurt alot of people, bad. I know that more than 50% of the atheists I've met are better people than me. I can say that confidently and wish so much it weren't so. There's part of me that so wishes I could be a good "example" of what a Christian is, but I really struggle. That's me. But that's not what my religious is about anyways, it's based on the fact that God KNOWS I'm this way.

Every since some of the more tragic mistakes from my past, God has not been as present in my life. Some of the hurts done to me and the hurts I've done to others has left its scars. I am not as open anymore, not as believing, and not as prayerful. Where has God been the past few years? Will he be present in new ways? I just hope I'm not the Susan from Chronicles of Narnia. To lose the wonder and awe and faith that God is alive, real, and present. Without those experiences from my past, believing in religion is folly. But now my faith is part of who I am. It makes up my person and I hope you can accept that about me as I hope to accept every bit of what has made you who you are and what you believe.

That's me. This past week has been a daily struggle usually till 4am trying to figure out what to write about. This is the last entry from this one week commitment. I haven't decided how much I'll be writing after this, but for those that have read up to this point, Thank You for reading and taking a peak into my mind and learning a little about what makes me who I am today.

Me Fast and Not So Furious Anymore

I like to drive fast, really really fast. I got my first speeding ticket at age 16 and 3 days. It wasn't just me though. Me and my whole high school crew were a bunch of speed junkies. We'd have 7-car races going 130 mph down 3 lane streets. We'd block all the traffic along the highway to 15 mph all as revenge because one guy cut a friend off. We've had guns pulled on us and been shot at for upsetting drivers. I'm not condoning this recklessness, but painting the picture of my youth. We were rich private school kids with fast cars and a lot of time. We weren't into drinking or drugs so we drove fast, everywhere. (Disclaimer: Don't try any of the above actions ever)

As I got older I still couldn't help myself. If I'm not moving over 80 mphs it just feels SLOW. I hated it. And if someone passed me, there's my rabbit. That's my license to keep going faster. I love leaving as late as possible knowing that I'll shave time by speeding. I can beat the system. If it takes others 20 minutes, I'll do it in 17. One time driving back from LA we left around 2am. My passenger was passed out so the best way to keep myself awake? Adrenaline, ie. driving fast. We made it from Downtown LA to Palo Alto in just under 4 hours. I've almost had my license suspended in Virginia, Pennsylvania, and California for tickets upon tickets upon tickets. I love min/maxing everything. Maximizing my time while riding that line of suspension. Micro optimization leads to incredible efficiencies. That starts with time and expanded into everything else I do.

This past year something changed. For example, today I was driving on the highway and cruising at 65 and felt at ease. I know, crazy right?? Something fundamentally has shifted and I've been reflecting on what. I've actually spent time while driving studying my own thoughts to try to pinpoint what is different about my attitude: I don't feel the need for speed.

This is what I've observed: I don't feel the need to beat everyone around me anymore. I'm sure some of you are thinking, that's the most petty thing I've ever heard. I'm sorry, I apologize for my immaturity, just trying to call it like I see it, OK? Before when I drive I look around me and I judge EVERYONE. I look at the people who look nothing like me and I think to myself, I must go faster than them. Driving must be some metaphor for life and I arrogantly think I'm better than everyone and must prove that constantly through my driving. Driving was feeding my pride and arrogance, proving in my mind some stupid superiority complex.

But now what was happening? I'm no longer needing to fly past everyone on the road. I'm OK when some honda civic cruises past me in the left lane going 70 mph. Somewhere in me there's a greater sense of peace. Somewhere the "keeping up with the Joneses" or in my case "crushing the Joneses by getting there 2 minutes earlier" mentality was starting to come undone. I didn't have that uncontrollable urge and was starting to feel a sense of ease and peace when on the road. In no way am I saying I am no longer judgmental or no longer prideful or arrogant. I know I am all those things. But to some measure those things have decreased and for that I'm thankful.

I still believe when called upon to rescue someone or get us out of danger one day my highly honed fast and furious driving skills will come in handy. But for now, this speed demon has a new MO. You'll find me cruising along at a more reasonable pace and hopefully with a bigger smile on my face... just don't cut me off.

The Paralysis of Choice

So growing up my family had a funny dinner table ritual. My parents would threaten, "You better finish what's on the table or you'll have to eat it tomorrow, or the next day, or the next till its gone." This was one of the most formative threats of my childhood. Well that and threatening to move to me to another school away from my friends if I didn't get good grades. The food threat wasn't scary by itself, it got scary when my mom followed through in action. Seeing the same food evolve over the course of 4 days as it goes through constant refrigerating, microwave, sit on the table 2 hours, and repeat, cycle was quite revolting. Behavior modified.

It wasn't until college I really understood what was happening. My sophomore year we had 2 triples next door to each other so it ended up being 5 guys in one dorm room. The result of that was that someone was always eating. I noticed every time they were eating I'd automatically get hungry. I had developed this Pavlovian response that when I see food, I get hungry and won't stop until all the food was consumed. My parents had trained me well, but in-spite of eating 6 times a day, I still never gained a pound over 125.

These days I am an old man. So I see some parents describe the eating patterns of their child, "They will only eat pizza and chicken nuggets so that's what we feed him." So I kick into my old man mode, "Back in my day didn't matter what was offered, I had to eat it, intestines, ears, tongue, half-developed chicken embryos, whatever." But there's something to be said about that lack of choice. Does it help us that we live in such a luxurious society that we have so much access to choice?

Some of my friends in Virginia or Pittsburgh (the one in Pennsylvania) they found their sweethearts by age 19, were married by 22, and kids were popping by 24. Life was simple. Get a good job, housing prices are affordable so you save up to purchase a home, I mean everyone is doing it, then spend decades watching the Steelers, doing home improvements, drink Yuengling, and that's life.

Contrast that to the Bay Area life. Should I work at Google, Facebook, Twitter, or join a startup? We are overwhelmed with choices. What neighborhood should I live in and what does it say about me? What activities should I be involved with, skiing, kite surfing, join a band, knitting, craft breweries? Maybe this is just me, having lived in small town Virginia Beach and small town Pittsburgh, moving to the Bay Area and presented with so many options, but it is overwhelming. When I lived in Mountain View I remember I had 5 grocery stores within 1/2 a mile from me: Safeway, Nob Hill, Nijiya, Ranch, Smart & Final. And that's not even counting the plethora of options in each of those stores and extended choices through all the hot new shopping apps, Google Shopping Express, Amazon Fresh, etc.

Then comes one of the most fundamental questions: relationships and marriage. I've heard countless struggles of, "they're great but... what if there's someone better out there?" Quite different from the small town view: decent looking, of age, not repulsed by me, DONE! I wonder if successful relationships are more a factor of having a more simplified view of choice leading to a greater all-in commitment? Are people paralyzed by the uncertainty of potential incremental happiness gains by just holding out to meet a few more people?

When I go back to Virginia and stay at my parents house life is simple. The trees are tall and the streets wide. The neighborhoods are quiet and it just makes sense to go for a nice evening walk to take in the crisp air and sounds of nature. I do wonder if living in this part of California has actually improved my quality of life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the food options to explore and enjoy which we don't have in Virginia. But maybe that's it. The choices drive decisions, decisions are hard, paralyzingly hard. Would life be richer if instead of focusing on min/maxing every decision, I just kicked back with the few things I had to enjoy? As I get older I find certain things just aren't as important to me anymore and I just go with one option and stick with it. I do wonder if this development of simplicity will lead me down a path to greater enjoyment in the few things I hold onto.

My Parents Warned Me: Never Go Into the Restaurant Business

Today I had a really really fun 5 hour-long meeting. I got to brainstorm a new restaurant concept. From discussing the menu, to clientele, to creating high-end exclusive experiences, to audio and acoustics of the layout, with the best part: the Whisky!

For those that don't know me. I love Whisky. I love drinking it, exploring the flavor profiles, sharing it with friends, hunting for rare bottles, etc. What better way than to spend the evening sitting around with your favorite people swapping stories while sipping slowly on a rich and complex bottle of whisky? That is the life.

My parents were entrepreneurs. When I moved to California from Pittsburgh I recruited my dad to join me on the cross-country journey. On the second day I was ready to drop him off at the closest airport and send him home, he was driving me crazy. But that's for another blog post. We were driving through St. Louis and my dad said, "Oh I've been here before." Ummm what? when? "We opened a restaurant here." Huh??? At one point they opened restaurants all up and down the east coast and apparently into the midwest in a whirlwind time of expanding their business. That chain didn't pan out because of management challenges in a primarily cash-based business, but he ended up still being successful at home in Virginia.

We lived and breathed the restaurant business. I was a Restaurant Brat. I grew up behind the bar making virgin pina coladas and strawberry daiquiris at the age of 10. All throughout elementary school I would always hangout with the "regulars" in the bar playing Galaga and Ms. Pacman. Video Arcade Machine Coin Sorter by age 12, Cashier by age 14, Busboy at age 15, Waiter by 17. You know, the standard career ladder.

The routine family meal was walking into another Chinese restaurant and immediately start scoping everything around us. How the host organized the waitlist and guests. Peaking into the kitchen on our way to the bathroom to study their workflow inside. Breaking down every dish and commenting how it could be improved. That's the Restaurant Brat life. But as I grew older and discussed the business with my parents more, they warned me of one thing: Never Go Into the Restaurant Business.

When I graduated from college with a highly technical degree that led me to a professional white collar job, but my heart was still in food and the restaurant business. I would dream up fast turnaround noodle restaurant concepts that integrated technologies like mobile phone pre-ordering, robotic conveyor table service, social networking and order history touchscreen systems at every table. The itch remained, once a restaurant brat, always a restaurant brat.

A decade later and here I am dreaming up the most delectable stimulating food experiences that just so happen to also integrate my love for whisky. I'm in heaven. I'm imagining all the extravagant ways to display hundreds of beautiful bottles of whisky while also hearing the stories being told about each distillery and their master blenders. I even start to see my recent dream becoming a possibility, serving blending kits to the most discerning of customers. We give you various flavor profiles and you mix your own blend to share with your friends. Oh the stories that people would tell of this place, the memories that would be formed here.

So only time will tell if this conversation evolves into me rejecting my parent's advice and stepping into the restaurant business in some capacity. Sorry mom and dad, but you loved making great food, watching the joy of others eating that food, and filling places with great conversation, laughter, and pleasure through dining experiences. Can you blame me for wanting to create these experiences for others too?

What's the most influential force in my life?

So I signed up with a few friends to do this 7-day blog challenge. Unfortunately, I had nothing to write about and its 3am the next morning of day 2 so I have to push something onto this blog. So let's talk about the most uncomfortable topic in my life... depression.

In college I found my purpose in life. I lived giving everything I had for that goal. I would pull 2-3 all-nighters a week for this and I used all my disposable income for this and I WAS HAPPY living that way. I was an idealist and perfectionist. So that crazy goal was attainable and I would refine every aspect of my life until I got there. At least that's how I was trained to. Then it all came crashing down.

When I was 30 I went through the most difficult time of my life. Through hurts from those I was closest to AND my own failures, I was either running away from or was ostracized by every single person I knew. That's not an exaggeration. I lived in utter isolation as I was spiraling out of control from this driven, motivated, structured, goal-oriented life. To add to the trauma I stepped down from my high-profile job in the midst of all this leaving me friend-less, family-less, job-less, purpose-less, and hope-less.

I was depressed.

The 2 things that kept me from melting into a pile of goo were:

  1. Basketball - growing up a basketball fan and falling out-of-love with the NBA, I had an excuse to attend every Warrior game and that frequency multiple times a week helped get me out of the house.
  2. Battlestar Galactica - having never seen it and it being a pretty long series, I bought the DVDs and watched hours of it everyday. Appreciate that TV show for keeping me entertained and away from my fracking thoughts.

But in hindsight there's no doubt I was depressed. I wasn't eating right and could go a whole day without leaving the house to eat and still wouldn't be that hungry because my emotional stress was so high. I definitely wasn't exercising and I got fat. No really, I did. I ballooned from 125 lbs to 165 lbs in 12 months. I was disgusting. I couldn't hold relationships with people and I was unreliable to friends and family. I was depressed and I was powerless to do anything about it.

When I talk to people or read conversations about those "counseling" their friends struggling with depression, I shudder at the advice. Of course it makes perfect sense to "JUST GET UP!", "Stop being so lazy.", "You just need to get out of the house.", "Just call me, talk to me! I'm here for you." But when I was there, I couldn't, I was frozen. My brain didn't work. Logic escaped me and was nowhere to be found. I was truly powerless to change my situation.

Depression is the most powerful force I've ever faced in my life. It took away the incessant drive and passion I was so used living with in my 20's. It stripped me of confidence and my arrogance (shocking IKR!). My clear-minded focus on the grand purpose of my life was gone. I bottomed out.

4 people stuck by my side in a measurable way: my wife Ayaka, my sister Joann, my aunt Shirley, and my cousin Jeremy. They were present. They didn't tell me what to do. No advice was given, as if words would have had any affect on me anyways. They just stayed with me. Some of them were right here with me everyday. Nothing special, just present. "Midnight McDonald's run, let's go.", "I'm coming to hangout during your lunch break.", "We are going out tonight.", "I'll wait." Somehow through their commitment to me and their patient, non-judgmental, gracious attachment to me I pulled through and started to put the pieces back together after 18 months.

But what I really wanted to share is that depression still haunts me today. There are many days where I don't even leave the surface area of my bed until 5pm in the afternoon. It's terrible. (I actually think I could do this NASA study where you lie in bed for 70 days straight) There are days I don't eat until 6pm out of laziness, just plain blah-ness until somebody else is eating. Purpose isn't always clear, motivation lacks, and logic escapes my actions.

The residual effects of that time of my life are still with me today and I'm not sure it will ever leave. So I'm slowly rebuilding the constructs of purpose in my life. Can I ever live with the raw, pure, passion I once did and so fondly look back upon? Or am I fulfilled the cynical, doubting, risk-averse, bet-hedging old man mentality I criticized when I was young? I haven't found the clarity I search for, but I do sense some maturity from this journey.

This blog post doesn't end well or offer any answers or solutions, but I hope it starts a dialogue. I am open to discussing all this junk of my past and hope it sheds some light to the power of depression in case there's someone close to you who might be struggling with the same issues I have.

I Want to be Rich

I want to be rich, I really really do.

My father grew up dirt poor. Scrapping to fight for food being the 5th of 7 brothers and stealing apples to stave off hunger, he is an incredible rags to riches story. He was an entrepreneur and owned over a dozen businesses (mostly restaurants) in the Hampton Roads area of Virginia. With that success he sent me to the wealthiest private school in our area where I was one of ~5 Asians in our grade, 2 of which just happened to be my cousins Amy and Kathy. Surrounded by my own family wealth and the wealth of my peers, I have grown to like nice things.

I want to eat great food... everyday if possible, including lots of sushi and oysters and steaks and on and on and on. Drink amazing whisky. I want to travel. I want to tinker with the latest gadgets like 3D printers, Android Wear watches, Amazon Echo, Google Glass (well not anymore), etc. I did everything I was supposed to do to achieve this goal. I went to a decent university (Carnegie Mellon University). Worked my way and got promoted at every job I was at, climbed the ladder to become a VP at an incredible hyper-growth retail company. Living the American dream.

Now in the Bay Area, working on whatever I'm doing, I'm surrounded by wealth. Crazy multi-story mansions in the heart of SF, day trips to Tokyo to eat Jiro's, private planes, eating $300 sushi meals whenever they want (that's really what I want in life), people gots the moolah. I love this stuff and love enjoying these things with them when I can.

But then I'm faced with this cold hard fact: The poor are only the poor because there are the rich.

I'm not here to argue economics, I'll save that for another day. The reality is that if we all had the same amount there would be no poor. Just US. But you can read this article that discusses wealth inequality. Article here

My question is what do I do about it? Is inequality MY problem? There are so many things I would do that feel totally justified if I had more money:

  • Send my daughter to a better school by moving to a better school district
  • Change the belts on my 10 year old car b/c they warned me if I wait and they break, its GG
  • Move into a bigger place so I can have an office since I work from home and usually work from my bed

Forget the luxuries of the super wealthy, but purely for my own livelihood I want to do these things which don't seem that bad, so is inequality really MY problem? I've worked hard to get where I'm at. I've spent time in the inner cities and there are many people who don't work hard so aren't they getting what they deserve? Why do I need to make sacrifices? Shouldn't the Top 1% (which owns almost more wealth than the other 99%) be accountable to redistribute their wealth to fix this problem?

The fastest way I've embraced this to BE MY problem has been to become friends and family to those in the Tenderloin and East Palo Alto. Because "Ohana" means "family", and family means no one gets left behind. (Any Lilo and Stitch fans in here?) Issiah and Cathie and Paul and Athena and Linda and Lisa and Jasmine, they become family to me. Their lives matter.

Since I started TLMade 2 years ago, many people ask me what does the Tenderloin need? I always give the same answer:

Relationships

If every person in San Francisco reached out to build a genuine friendship with 1 person in the Tenderloin, our problems would be solved and millions upon millions of tax dollars saved and millions upon millions of donors could keep their money too.

The problem of the inner city isn't financial, its relational. Many people are there for drugs, various addictions too. Addictions and other issues have isolated them from their families, friends, and communities. In East Palo Alto where generational poverty is the problem, these families are isolated in a different way. No relationships with anyone OTR (over the ramp, what EPA people call the area past 101 in Menlo Park and Palo Alto). They don't have perspectives on education and job opportunities outside of their community. 

Many of these issues are overcome when people live in community and form strong relational bonds. Maybe some hesitate thinking it'll be a financial burden, but that's completely wrong. We don't give money to family members in different financial situations than us, that never works. We just walk life together. When we walk with someone, they teach us and we teach them. That becomes true riches in life.

I've learned an amazing meal or experience or traveling to a new place, these things last for a moment. We experience it and its gone. I wish I could have certain pieces of O-Toro or Ikura or amazing Udon linger on my taste buds forever but we can't. They come and go in a flash. But relationships are invaluable. The people I care about, trust, want to grow old together with, these to me are truly valuable.

The Interview, Sony Hacks, and Korean Mockery

I've been struggling to make sense of this whole Sony hack / The Interview / North Korea thing. If you don't know what I'm talking about, here's an article about it.

Oh, welcome to my new attempt at a blog, btw!

I get the bravado American response that is, "being bullied around is wrong", "don't give in". All that makes sense to me. I tell my daughter Elizabeth to not back down when being bullied. We give her 3 steps to winning the war on bullies:

  1. Confront the bully and tell them to stop
    If that doesn't work...
  2. Report it to the higher authorities (usually teachers)
    And if that doesn't work...
  3. Punch them in the face, repeatedly (and mommy and daddy will do-so as well)

If you know Elizabeth you wouldn't be surprised she's never enacted #3. In fact #3 isn't really expected to be carried out, but exists to let her know she has the license to stand up for herself when she feels trapped.

I've heard arguments that label the alleged culprit, N. Koreans, as weak sauce for manipulating Sony pictures into pulling the film. I understand that. Breaking laws to control another's actions is never condoned in my book. But doesn't necessarily mean I'm ready to write this off yet, as I don't fully make sense of the situation yet.

I have a friend who is a kind, female, asian woman. She had an incident where this guy was upset and verbally went at her, calling her names, shouting in her face, using racial slurs, spit spewing from his mouth as he raged. She felt helpless, trapped and when he tried to walk away she kicked him in the buttocks. The guy called the cops for assault. When the cops talked through the event I asked them, "who's at fault here?" The cop, saddened, said "unfortunately she would be charged for assault in this incident." And I asked, "so he can get away with whatever he wants verbally without consequence? That seems really unfair bullying someone half his size." The cop empathized and said it wasn't fair, but that was the law.

Here's my challenge with the whole situation, when someone aggressively mocks another person, I can't expect the victim to blindly take it without retaliation. (DISCLAIMER: I in no way am saying I condone breaking the law) I am saying that as an aggressor mocking another person, you shouldn't be surprised if that victim retaliates. I guess this goes against the whole freedom of speech core. But that was written to share beliefs, I don't think the intent was to license harming others with our words.

Having been bullied myself when I was younger, there's part of me that always has said, fight, stand up for yourself... always. That has led me down paths of wanting to retaliate even if it meant breaking the law. In those cases I'd have to accept the consequences to my actions if I did violate the law. That's just the way it goes.

This makes me consider what are the wrongs in this situation. The hacks are naturally unacceptable, but what of the mockery? Maybe my victim mentality makes me more sensitive to the aggressor? But from my experiences I'm not OK with mockery. To take jabs at another country / culture / person will have consequences. But maybe it's OK because this is North Korea? In the end I'm more interested in ending the root issue of mockery to head off any form of retaliation. So in this situation I'm afraid we've opened the door to potentially more strong arm tactics, which is bad, I do hope people one result is that people think twice before mocking because there are always consequences.