I am a Christian. I don't hate gays, I don't watch Fox News, I don't stand on the street corner and tell people they are going to hell, I don't vote Republican (nor Democrat either), I don't have a gun (yet), I don't hate you for being pro-choice, I don't expect you to believe what I believe, but I do believe that I need a savior and that Savior is Jesus Christ and I don't blame you for thinking I'm foolish for believe so.
I can recall to when I was young, like elementary school, I had a sense of conviction that there are things that are right and things that are wrong. But where does this come from? If there is no higher being holding us accountable to our actions then we should use all our energies to get the greatest advantage over others without getting caught. But there was a strong sense of justice instilled in my being that I couldn't shake and I felt that had to come from something greater than myself.
In middle and high school I was a troublemaker. I was the black sheep of my group of friends. I stole, cursed like a sailor, judged and hurt others, I was not a good guy to be around. There was a feeling of wanting to do right but not being able to do it. I couldn't stop myself from doing these bad things and that's where faith found me. The idea that God knew I was this way and wanted to help me but knew I couldn't do it on my own was very fitting for how I felt about myself. I had about a week of wrestling in my bed at night in prayer, "God are you there? Give me a sign. Help me believe. I can't change! Will you really accept me like this? You must be perfect." After that wrestling in prayer I had a sense that God was real and I chose to believe in God & Jesus and accept that he wanted to help me in my uncontrollable bad ways.
Over the course of the next 10 years my life was heavily influenced by this belief in God. I had times where I prayed and felt God was really with me in hard times and actually answered my prayers. I know absurd right? But it was true to me. This is part of my experience I don't expect anyone to understand and if you don't I have no issue with you thinking me for being foolish. I get it. But for me, God was present, heard me, and was with me. Were there times I thought I was hearing from God and it was just the breeze blowing? Most definitely, but I don't know when those times were. But were there times God did some unbelievable things, yes for sure!
I've made alot of mistakes in my life and hurt alot of people, bad. I know that more than 50% of the atheists I've met are better people than me. I can say that confidently and wish so much it weren't so. There's part of me that so wishes I could be a good "example" of what a Christian is, but I really struggle. That's me. But that's not what my religious is about anyways, it's based on the fact that God KNOWS I'm this way.
Every since some of the more tragic mistakes from my past, God has not been as present in my life. Some of the hurts done to me and the hurts I've done to others has left its scars. I am not as open anymore, not as believing, and not as prayerful. Where has God been the past few years? Will he be present in new ways? I just hope I'm not the Susan from Chronicles of Narnia. To lose the wonder and awe and faith that God is alive, real, and present. Without those experiences from my past, believing in religion is folly. But now my faith is part of who I am. It makes up my person and I hope you can accept that about me as I hope to accept every bit of what has made you who you are and what you believe.
That's me. This past week has been a daily struggle usually till 4am trying to figure out what to write about. This is the last entry from this one week commitment. I haven't decided how much I'll be writing after this, but for those that have read up to this point, Thank You for reading and taking a peak into my mind and learning a little about what makes me who I am today.