Once upon a time I worked hard. Like really hard. Like harder than the heralded excellent silicon valley founders and doing some unimaginable things. It wasn't just due to the velocity or volume of work, but the type of work I used to do.
Back in Pittsburgh I had a few crazy full-time jobs with a ton of responsibility, pressure, and absurd timelines. I managed multiple teams and over 100 people. They were crazy jobs but thankfully I was gifted with some amazing employees and teammates. We pulled off some amazing projects that I'll share with anyone interested over a dram of whisky. But that's not what made it amazing. That's just a typical talented overachieving worker. Everyday after work I went to the local college campus (University of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon University) and mentored dozens of students in matters of faith, life, family, finances, etc. Dealing with and helping students overcome mental health, abuse, insecurity, shame issues and more. Not only was it mentally draining, but also my heart would go out to each student and genuinely grieve with each challenge in their life. I had this crazy lifestyle, yet could do it all filled with joy and hope.
That was a crazy time.
Somewhere along the path I've lost that... edge? diligence? passion? I don't even know what to call it.
Today in my work some people encourage me saying I'm doing so much, or doing a good thing, or making a difference. I wish I could tell them how much I disagreed with them.
I have tasted what it's like to live with faith, hope, joy; all while dealing with amazing work challenges and simultaneously walking with others to see their lives transform and in parallel watching my life change and become more whole. Filled.
That is not my life today.
Today I struggle with worry, depression, getting overwhelmed, staying motivated. I get infuriated with myself, then down on myself. In it I know this is not how I'm supposed to live.
Back in college as a freshmen I was a cocky, lazy student. My freshmen spring semester there was two weeks where I never saw sunlight. It's true Pittsburgh is rainy and cloudy, but that's not what I mean. I didn't see the sun because I was nocturnal and never went to class. My schedule revolved around when was optimal to play basketball and hangout with my friends. This is how I ordered my life: basketball, hanging out, eating, sleeping, and lastly academics. I was a B- / C student my freshmen and sophomore year.
My junior and senior year I got almost all A's. It had nothing to do with my effort and 100% to do my joy in life rooted in my faith. I became overwhelmed with a sense that God loved me and I was simply living under that care, compassion, and grace. Life was simple. I felt free and everything I applied myself to I went over-and-above and really enjoyed why I was doing it. I just had one person to worry about and it wasn't me. I just focused on God and tried to discern his purpose and if I felt like I had a sense of it, then I would go after that hard, with all my will.
Today I am missing that clarity. To be honest I'm worried about many things. Money, success, people around me, I'm too distracted by even my own "emotional state". Simply put, I think too much about myself. I judge what's going on measured by the yardstick of my own design and that is a sucky way to live. That yardstick changes. The goals change, the milestones change, and I oscillate from not being good enough to thinking "I'm the man".
Whatcha gonna do about it?
My goal is to regain the simplicity of being full of HOPE and JOY and then in that state I'll regain that unimaginable productivity of work and transformation (those around me and personally). To not focus and get caught up in myself, but to live with a simple pure understanding of who I am and how I fit into this world. For me that comes through faith.
I welcome you to hold me accountable to this. If you do see me, I give you the freedom, rather I exhort you to please ask me how I'm doing in regaining simplicity. That would be a tremendous act of care towards me to help me grow.
Thanks for reading. I wanted to thank all those that encouraged me to keep blogging when I did the 7 day challenge last year. It is honestly those friends and my own need to go deeper that has drawn me back to write. Thank you guys.